The number 9 has a special place for me. It is odd but not prime. Symbolically, 9 is the number of fulfillment, wisdom, self-examination and enlightenment. Yet we are at the end of 2019. What a remarkable year it was for me. I am renewed and awakened to a different person.
2019 was the year where my attitudes and beliefs that I’ve been carrying were destroyed one by one. Chaos and change quickly swept me. I’ve come out of a chaos that deeply improves my identity, makes me a new me, revives and renews how I treat the world. The relationships which made me but not healthy for my future, are now in my past. It was very painful. I got very tired, I cried a lot, I fell down and then I stood up.
Stay out of line
I don’t even like the routine, and I don’t even prefer to go on the same path again. Habituation seems not human at all. When I turned to be a mother, a white-collar professional, a spouse, the habits and routine saved moments, and in exchange for letting me forget how time passed. I no longer have a routine life. I accept more surprises, I live more spontaneously. One day doesn’t look like the other.
I accept my vulnerability. I worked so hard on it. I say what I feel, what I perceive. I learned not to break, and not to be broken into pieces, by my own mind.
Getting a new value
I had always compassion for others, especially in a mothering mood. I put more compassion in my life for myself. Self-compassion is my path that how I do not judge myself. I did meditations. I recommend the book of 21 Days of Inspiration.
There is no good or bad
I’ve decided to stop evaluating the events that I’ve been through. It’s lived, and it’s over. It does not imply to be good or bad. It’s just lived and past. As Eckhart Tolle says, When I don’t mind what happens, what does that imply? It implies that internally I am in alignment with what happens 1. Therefore, the past is meaningless to affect today and tomorrow. It is a thought of freedom that it is good to know and is possible in practice: to make a new beginning every new day, to complete the day without getting caught up in the old shadows, to leave the worries about what tomorrow will bring and live inquisitively. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have plans, and they don’t change, or adapt. All know, we laugh out of happiness, and that mood quickly swings. However, we feed our worries and doubts for much longer, we call on them in every possible moment. Wouldn’t it be nice to put an end to this? Just as it is not possible to be happy all the time, it is possible not to worry at all times. Let’s be content with life, accept what it brings to your door.
Leave the old
As the space shuttle travels through the atmosphere, it needs the support of thrusts. When it goes into space, it doesn’t need them anymore. They are separated down to the Earth. Every time I saw this scene, I got very upset. But don’t say it’s foolish. I know it is. That’s feeling of what I left behind like a trash bin. However, the truth is unruly; the needs of each stage is changing. It’s not disloyalty to leave when you’re done. By replacing it with something else to continue as long as it is alive. Thanks to Elon Musk, the propulsion engines are returning to where they started, to support new launch again for the next time.
Becoming A Quark
When you move to a completely different town or country, or in a condition where you leave everything behind, the voice inside you outcried, “The king is naked!.. Where are those diplomas, those who are honouring you, those who call out you lady.. Here you are unlabelled.”
I was unlabelled. I wanted to stick a couple of labels right away, saving from being naked, at least wearing stockings and an underwear. I was suffering. I twisted lot, and confused. I’d said what I was doing not for the label I deserved. What have I been desiring? I realised I did not know. Health and strong family bonds were enough for me. My id was telling me to leave everything behind. I set out with the longing for the simplicity of life. My ego wanted everything he had right away and even better than before. But I wasn’t both of them. I waited, I listened, I tried, I was excited, I gave up, I started, I left, I dreaded, I quested for.
Without judging, but understanding and absorbing, I thought a lot and sensed much. I realise that my existence is invaluable with its tininess. Now I’m a little bit, and even a little bit of it has an effect. That’s the way to become whole, to my surprise.
It’s OK not to be OK
I stopped looking strong. I shared my vulnerability by every chance. When I shared the unbearable weight of being vulnerable, those who loved me were suffered, very worried for me. They saw a self to which they weren’t used. As Atlas shrugged, I gave up on carrying my own weight. I’m very relieved. I’m much better.
Sharing is caring
I’ve never been able to keep my thoughts to myself. I’ve always enjoyed sharing even when many said, “Knowledge is power”. In 2019, I grasped every opportunity to share my knowledge. I created new platforms such as webinars, seminars, posts and judging roles. I realised that I don’t need to know everything, just telling what I know is enough.
Health is the first digit of all currencies
Aside from the disease that shook the our home fundamentally, I keep myself and my family strong with plenty of minerals and vitamins. I start the day with a handful of supplements. The girls are fed in more natural ways – in rainbow nutrition – it is very comfortable for me. I’d gained 8 kgs during the last Spring break in Turkey. I’m not dieting anymore. I run or walk daily right after dropping the kids off to the school. I am attending Zumba and Pilates classes three times a week. I gave up meat consumption. I only have once a week. It’s a huge intentional change for me who has proud to be a carnivore. I have 4 kilos left. It feels so good to be super-healthy, super-light.
Nothing like having experience
For me 2020 is the year of experience. I’m going to put my plans into action, and experience the moment.
It all starts with a wishlist, keeping an Antropologie notebook in my bag. Whenever I think of something I’d like to try, or a place to visit, I write it down and keep a collection of wishes. I mark if it’s completed, or cross out if not relevant anymore.
January starts quickly: first of all, I start coaching sessions from my dear friend.
I want to organise my sleep. I’m barely asleep. I got up early, so I’m going to bed early.
I’ll spend more time for writing. I think it’s the most natural way to share myself. Because I couldn’t write as fast as I thought – ee, I mean, naturally – I thought I couldn’t feel authentic. I realised that nothing is better than a simple, refined content.
It’s not allowed to be locked in the house, living in London. I’ve left spending money for possessions last year. I will spend money on experiences. It will be a year to tour, wander and learn.
I started my company six months ago, now it’s time to fill it up. I have three ideas in mind, I’m starting with one nowadays.
I’ve started a gratitude journal. It helps much. I’ll continue to use it. I’ll celebrate small wins to focus on journey rather than the destination.
I will not only feel mercy for myself, but also I will continue to add new values: healing the others and relishing the moment. I will give back to my community by pursuing volunteering.